Its Time

After much procrastination I have decided to initiate my blogging. My goals are to get at least one new blog out a week consisting of a new thought, observation, photoshop project, picture, or sound file. I hope to entertain, invigorate, inspire my readers but most importantly me. For Starts, im going to post a paper that I wrote a few months ago that I personally found entertaining. Enjoy.

The Household BEAST

Unaware to common man a horrible plague of fiendish animals is among us. These repugnant creatures live within our home, among our children, parents and loved ones. They take advantage of our kind nature and give nothing in return. They rule our homes with no mercy or regard for human feelings and health. The human race must rid ourselves of this pestilence known as the toy dog and welcome the real dog back into homes of America.

When referring to a toy dog I’m not discussing a pound puppy or some other stuffed animal. A toy dog is a canine that resembles a rodent. It is a dog that has more bark than bite, and more fur than fight. They are the little dogs that never stop barking, especially when your favorite television show is on or when someone comes to the door. These manipulative little hairballs run around the house like they are kings. Unfortunately, most of the time these dogs ARE in charge. These dogs are different than their close cousins known as the real dogs. Real dogs are mans best friend. They are the dogs with morals, the loyal protectors of their guardians. These dogs can be useful.

Little dogs are the noisy curse of the modern household. Their barks are made up of a series of high pitched yaps, yaps that will not go away. These dogs will bark at anything. Every time an owner puts them outside to “potty” the yapping starts up. Every time someone enters the household, unfamiliar or not, the sound machine starts up. People don’t even have to be in the household, little dogs bark at passing cars, other dogs and children. Big dogs are much more noble than this; big dogs will silently exit the building, go to the bathroom and return. They will bark only when there is a need to bark, when a stranger gets too close to the house or when a master is in trouble.

Toy dogs are short tempered and manipulative. They will insist on getting their way until they get it. They will bark, make noise and even bite. They bite and nip at children. What other animal could be so cold hearted as to nip at children? Children see little dogs for what they are, an animated ball of fur. Usually not long after a child engages in playing with a toy dog he or she comes crying into mommy or daddy explaining that the dog bit them. And what do some parents do? They disregard it! Parents rationalize the dog’s bad behavior and put fault on the child. The dog gets pampered while the child will probably grow up with of phobia of canines.

Adults cannot even play with toy dogs. Who knows why they even got the name “toy” dog. Toys should be able to be played with. They are so frail and timid that as soon as one starts to rough around with them they often scamper off with their tails between their legs. These dogs should be renamed “model” dogs, or “display only” dogs. Sadly these dogs aren’t even much of a display. The phrase “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” would be aptly applied to toy dogs like this: “you can’t teach a toy dog any tricks.” The only activities that might be considered performances would be that they might be able to sit up on their hind legs and beg for food, or drag their anus around the carpet. Both tricks wind up being detrimental to their owners, resulting in forced feeding and soiled carpet.

One might argue that toy dogs are more cost effective than big dogs. It is true that big dogs eat a lot more than little ones and that it is more costly to feed the bigger dogs. But we have not thought about the big picture. There are other costs that are associated with little dogs that no one thinks about. Add the cost of cleaning the carpet every time one of the little devils defecates or hurls on it. Add the cost of the many pamperings, nail clippings, baths, toys and haircuts that these dogs require to maintain them. Think of the cost of surgery that a child will have one his or her eye because the dog nipped the child’s face.

Little dogs are not helpful at all. Big dogs pull sleighs, find remotes, lead the blind and protect the home. Little dogs get hair all over everything. They often interfere with menial human tasks, barking while the owner is on the phone, walking where the owner is trying to walk, sleeping where the owner wants to sleep. These dogs don’t sleep at the foot of the bed like an obedient REAL dog; they get right up in the owners face breathing foul breath. Even if they did sleep at the end of the bed, they wouldn’t even be able to warm both feet because they are so small.

Some might argue that these dogs are worth all the hassle because they are just too cute to give up. Cute should not be the only reason to own a maniac. If people married just because they thought each other cute, there would indefinitely be a lot of problems in that relationship. Cute should come bundled with love, protection, loyalty. Cute should be a personality trait as well, and since when has manipulative and annoying been cute?

The human race owes it to themselves to realize what they have been doing. We have been taking care of these improper little beasts for too long. These animals have no regard for human feelings and only care about getting their way. They cannot be played with, they are high maintenance and they are hairy, hideous, loud, little creatures sent from hell to make our lives miserable. We need to purge these creatures from our homes and replace them with more suitable, helpful pets. A real dog will protect, play, learn tricks and warm both feet.

I hope you Enjoyed my first real blog, please feel free to comment. And no, I don't hate toy dogs... I just thought it would be fun to point out some of their flaws. Mari, sorry for using a picture of your pet potato ;) If you don't have a blogger account comment on my myspace. Thanks!